I’m doing something that I haven’t done in over 3 years. I’m writing. You wouldn’t know by looking at this website, but I began writing almost 20 years ago. It started with a blog called “Can I Get A Witness?” I went by the name “Fullcomplexity.” Then, I transitioned to “Mourning Into Joy.” My posts were all about me: the stories and trials of a 20-something-year-old navigating her way through relationships, friendships, and her career, all with God on her side. As I grew in the Lord, my posts became more about the Father and how we should interact with culture, politics, and the world. From that, “Peculiar Black Girl” was born.
About a year or so ago, I lost my website, and it shattered me. It felt like a part of me died because I had poured so much into my writing. Every post was a piece of me, put into words. The loss of my work made me indifferent. I left “Peculiar Black Girl” alone for a long time. I just didn’t want to deal with starting over again. I was upset. I have been able to recover everything from 2006 to 2011. But I could only find a few posts from 2012 to 2023. It SUCKS because those writings were Holy Spirit-inspired and aren’t something that I can just recreate. But no sense in crying over what cannot be changed.
I spent the last hour or so reading through my posts from my 20s. I was a bright-eyed girl who loved the Lord so much. I sought Him for and in everything. I miss that. I was always able to find a lesson in whatever I was going through. I was writing little sermonettes and didn’t even realize it. I guess the minister was always there…
So, here I am, 42 years old with a husband and 6 kids (who would’ve ever thought), sitting in my quiet living room (kids are asleep), writing. Honestly, I miss 20-year old me. Not the drama or the growing pains. And definitely not the friendships. LOL. But I miss the child-like faith that I had. I miss the simplicity of my relationship with the Lord. Somewhere along the way, I made it more complex than it really is. I don’t know if it’s life or the burden of feeling like I needed to be somewhere spiritually that I wasn’t because of others around me. But I fell off. However, God has been faithful to me. He has NEVER left me. He’s been longsuffering. He has been waiting for me to pick up where we left off. I strongly believe that.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I didn’t abandon my faith. I didn’t stop talking to God. Nothing like that. But I let the type of RELATIONSHIP that we had die. I want it back.
I’m a federal government employee and am impacted by the furlough. I’ve been furloughed before, and the Lord kept us. And I know that He will this time. But I won’t lie and say that this is a tad bit concerning. I have a mortgage and seven other people to provide for because I am the breadwinner. But all in all, Jesus is THE breadwinner. He knows what we need and knew it before this furlough ever happened. I just need to hold up my end and have faith in Him.
The good thing about this furlough, though, is that I have time to do this. I have time to write. I have time to spend with Him. I have time to meditate and dwell on Him. When I’m working, everything is go, go, go! It’s non-stop from 4:30am until I go to bed! I know that the hustle and bustle of being a working-mom of 6 has taken over. I’ve allowed life to take over.
When I became a single parent (my husband and I had two kids together before we actually married), that time in my life caused me to become hardened. I noticed that was also the time when I began to write less frequently. The innocenct, child-like faith that I had vanished. I became hard and self-reliant. And that carried over to my walk with the Lord. A friend of mine told me that the Lord shared this with her, “The hardness. The tough parts of you that you had to be; in His presence, you do not need nor have to be…” She has NO IDEA how on point that was. In fact, before she sent me that text, I had realized that the soft, bright-eyed, “I’m so in love with Jesus” girl had vanished. So, it was confirmation.
My pastor once told me that writing was deliverance for me. And I trust and believe her.
I pray that this post does just that, and that it unlocks the next chapter in our relationship. It feels good to write again. It feels good to just be. It feels good to be back where we left off.
Until the next post…
-Natasha
